2:20 PM >> V = IR => I = V/R

In the month of February, the night of the 18th, and late I saw St. Elmo's fire. I suppose or hope this to be a welcomed portent for my future.

Throughout history many sightings of St. Elmo's fire have occurred. Among the more well known witnesses were Chris Columbus, Ted Magellan, Chuck Darwin, and the almighty Jules Caesar. I've though Julius to be a cool guy, so if it do ya, you can read about his account seeing St. Elmo's fire somewhere in his Commentaries on the Gallic and Civil Wars.

10:02 AM >>


In a recent survey of 20 somethings remembering the snacks of yore, Fudge Rounds topped the list. Nutty Bars were up there. No one remembered Mint Sprints. Ding Dongs were praised. Star Crunches were not terribly popular. Kudos received major points. Swiss Cake rolls had the most variations of how they were eaten. And I wish I could remember the name of the lemon stick things. They came in a package of two and were layered, like Nutty Bars, and were yellow.

4:36 PM >> A recollection of Viennetta

In my family this tale is legend. It ranks up there with the time Aunt Jo put jalepenos in the baked beans for the family reunion. Or the time when everyone thought Grandpa had died while sitting on the recliner, but he had just fallen asleep. Or the time a mini-van full of cousins snuck out in the middle of the night fueled with the inspiration of drunken judgment to toilet paper their 82 year old grandfather. And they did. So the tale is told.

And oh, sweet recollections of Viennetta. The hidden Viennetta in the shopping cart. My little brother, the pirate loving little Dalbaby had just moved to New York for the first time. The entire family - Dad, Dusty (the middle brother who hates the smell of sulfur, among many other things), me, and my Mom - went with to see the little boy away from home's nest into adulthood or college fantasy land or My First Sony Life, whatever you call this section in life. He was going away. Into the big city. I'll never forget walking away from the subway car leaving him there to New York and he sticks his tongue out to my Mom showing off the tongue ring he had concealed for the months leading up to his departure from home. I am sure my Mom saw. She cried. Not just because her youngest little boy was leaving home, but she cried too at this little twisted secret that he just revealed to her.

The Viennetta comes to play earlier in the trip. The family was all at some smelly grocery store on Roosevelt Island where his dorm was. My Dad likes to say Roos-evelt, not the proper Rose-evelt. It drives me crazy every time I hear him pronounce that word or for that matter a long list of words that he mispronounces, like: warsh for wash, sowf-more for sophmore, sal-mon for salmon, eye-talian for italian. He's broken. He skips bad. But, I say eye-talian too. I feel like I'm be betraying some phonetic heritage if I fix the problem. So I guess I didn't fall too far from the unbending tree and his irritating mispronunciations of words.

So we're all at the store cruising the aisles. Dal is picking out whatever he wants and throwing it into the cart. Typical younger brother. Gets to move to New York. Gets whatever groceries he wants. Gets a monthly care package sent to him from Atlanta. But I always manage to sneak some stupid thing into the package like a box of Nutty Bars, which he doesn't like or a lame-o monkey Halloween mask or peanut butter flavored rice cakes. Oh, I get my revenge. You have to. Cause the younger siblings get whatever they want. As I like to say, they always get $20 before they go out and without even having to ask. Parents just instinctively pull a twenty out of their kind and good hearts when they hear their youngest walking out the front door.

"Bye, Mom. Going out."

"OH, wait. Here's twenty dollars? By something to eat or go see a movie or..."

Or get your tongue pierced.

Where's my twenty? I had to bag groceries all weekend for twenty bucks.

So I thought we'd just test the limits of my parents' sibling selective generosity. I snuck off with my brother to the freezer section and I let him pick out his favorite Viennetta flavor. Then when my parents weren't looking we snuck the Viennetta into the cart. They paid. Without even thinking about it. It went over the scanner, into the bag, then up to my brother's new dorm room in this new part of his life that he'd spend in his new city. His New York. And here I am in Sue-aw-knee, Georgia still bitter and eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

10:05 AM >> $400 shopping spree

If I were to win a $400 shopping spree to Kroger, I'd probably snag the following items >>

- Beer and wine
- Steaks
- Scallops and shrimp and lobster
- Laundry detergent and fabric softener
- Vitamin C pills, echinacea, milk thistle, goldenseal
- Various bottles of Tabasco and other hot sauces
- Couscous
- Walnuts, pecans, almonds, cashews
- Figs
- Viennetta

8:54 AM >> English version of a letter written by a guy in France to the States #5

Bill,

Enough with the requests already. You are not getting an autograph from Napoleon. He’s dead. So is that actor with the big nose. Man.

So quit asking.

Keep in touch though.

- Claude

6:37 PM >> Some guy's list of 95 things

This isn't my list, but that of Martin Luther, who is of no relation to Martin Lawrence or Martin Van Buren. Luther was the monk/priest guy in the 16th century who spoke out against the practice of purchasing indulgences that had become a quick and easy form of repentance custumary in the Roman Church. He nailed (supposedly) these 95 statements that pertained to his disgust with the system of indulgences and other churchy things to the door of a church in Wittenberg in 1517.

Luther's 95 Theses

5:17 PM >>

And don't forget local postage stamps from where you live. They say that foreigners love foreign (to them) postage stamps, so you can trade them for cheese and cigarettes. (Keep the stamps in baggies within baggies so you also have lots of baggies within which to store the cheese.) (I assume this applies to travel within the U.S. as well, I mean aren't we all foreigners when we get down to it.)

4:12 PM >>

It's also not a bad idea to bring along dental floss. In a bind dental floss can be used to cut cheese.

12:40 PM >>

You always bring a bathing suit when traveling. Always. It's Rule #7.
They are small, light, and can be packed down to a 1"x1" cube (no worries about wrinkling).

10:56 PM >> L&C, LLC - My left ankle gives me much pain

Hey, Clark, you off the phone yet over there?

Yeah. What's up, buddy?

Lewis wheels back to the entrance of his cube. Looks both ways making sure the situation's clear. Then he scoots into Clark's adjoining cube.

Motioning to Clark's computer - Check your email. I just got a message from the big cheese. He wants to see us. Did you get it?

Yeah. What is this -- 'Lewis, Kevin, my office 10:30'? God, I wish he wouldn't do that. Ahhh!

What the hell, man? What'd you do?

Me?, Clark says throwing up his hands in confusion.

Oh, crap. This is about that ream of paper we snuck out last week. Crap!

Lewis is sweating now. He wheels back and checks down the hall for any peepers. Clark stands and makes sure no one is cocking their snoopy head over spying.

Attempting to calm Lewis, Clark whispers, No, dude. Chill out, don't worry. If it was that he would have called us out in the Monday morning meeting. Made an example of us. Whatever it is though, it sounds secret-like. He says 'brings notepads.'

And promptly at 10:30 Clark and Lewis give some secretively spaced out taps lightly on Mr. TJ bossman's closed door. They're both armed with yellow pads, pens neatly clipped to the sides.

From inside, Yeah, guys. Come on in. Close the door behind you.

Clark and Lewis take seats in front of TJ's desk. TJ watches as the door shuts. Waiting to begin. Clark and Lewis crook their heads following his gaze and watch as well. In slow slow motion the door closes, the latch clicks, and TJ turns to Clark and Lewis, Well, then, boy's.

Clark and Lewis gulp. Turning to face TJ, Lewis panics inside. OH, my God, oh, my God. What? What? What did we do?

How are things, guys?

Things? What the hell? Things. What things? What is he talking about? Clark glances to Lewis. Clark is panicking now. What? What is he talking about? Things? What do we say? Lewis what is he saying? Clark turns slowly back leaving the response up to Lewis.

Well, sir, my left ankle gives me much pain these days, Lewis says. I've been playing a lot of pick-up games at the gym...

Lewis. I don't care about your inflamed foot. How are things out there in the bull pen?

The interruption, though harsh, was much appreciated. A good deal of confusion was cleared.

Oh, Clark said laughing, things are...

KEVIN! Enough with the laughing. This is no joke.

Clark and Lewis look nervously to each other.

You, boys get your pads ready. Take some notes. There's something going on around here.

They both begin scribbling some notes.

There's a spy lurking and I need you two to do some cubeland reconnaissance. Do you get me?

Lewis looks up from his notes, taking charge.

Yes, sir. Absolutely. WE understand. Continue on with the briefing, sir.

Christ, Lewis. I just did. I need you boys to keep and ear open. Take notes. Anything you hear in the breakroom, at the Blimpie or wherever you guys eat lunch, in the halls. Whatever you hear I need to know about it. Anything out of the norm I want to know about.

Yes, sir, Clark says putting down his pad for a second and waving a salute to TJ.

GOD DAMMIT, Kevin. Enough with the Gomer Pyle goofball military act. This is an office. Just keep me informed.

Sir, it's Clark, not...

Finished with them TJ picks up his receiver and waves them both away.

Standing up at attention first, and then awkwardly trying to fall into something a little more office casual, Lewis says, You can count on us. Sir, we're your eyes, your ears...

This time TJ's interruption is a little offensive, Just go. And close the door on your way out.

Clark and Lewis stand for a moment outside the bossman's closed door and compare notes. They nod to each other. A secret office casual nod. A nod with a sense of duty. Then they bump two subtle knuckles, conceal their notepads, and march off. Off into the war zone.

1:03 PM >> Hot Cappy

Holy crap I am so excited. I'm about to eat a sandwich (AKA popkin or sandy) made partially with a brand-new lunchmeat I have never had before: Hot Cappy (AKA Hot Cappicolla). Of course there is no way this pork-shoulder product can be better than salami; I mean salami is the best lunchmeat ever (yeah ham-lovers, I said it!). But based on the spicy sample slice I got at the deli counter, this new meat is going to open up a whole new world of Italian-style subs to me. I am so pumped I don't know if I will be able to calm down enough to chew.

[NOTE: Popkin also contains smoked peppered turkey and Cajun roast beef.]

11:24 AM >> Today's Lesson

Today I learned that my friend knows a 5th grade teacher in Harlem who got punched in the eye, supposedly by a 5th grader, and supposedly over a stolen pen that actually was filled with penicillin (not ink).

Then I learned that Bill Clinton went to grade school in Harlem. That's his old stompin' grounds.

Then I learned that is a bald faced lie!

Then I learned my Bill Clinton-researching friend was just kidding. BC totally went to McKinley High and his best friend was this kid >>



This was my reaction after learning everything >>

10:20 AM >> These are a few of my favorite things

These are some things I am really into right now:

1. Texas Pete Hot Sauce
2. Baby-Back Ribs
3. Pizza
4. Crushed Red Pepper
5. Chicken Fingers
6. Hot Wings
7. Bavaria Beer
8. This guy

9:58 AM >> Goatee abandoned

Officially now my Legendary Goatee project has been abandoned or postponed. If I am inspired in the future to bring the goat back. Now it's just back to the beard. This all came about when I saw a man at a bar who had a goatee that was probably a good foot and a couple of inches past his chin. This broke me. And on top of that a friend told me that it was looking bushy and wild or something, I wasn't listening at this point to anymore snaps at my facial hair. I made up some lie and said it was a combination of the humidity and some volumizing solution. He bought it. Now I was truly broken. So, I thought and thought and then this morning at 9.25am I took the scissors from my shaving kit and started snipping. I'm down to the starts of a beard now again.

9:07 AM >> English version of a letter written by a guy in France to the States #4

Mom,

Grandma tells me that you’ve been hounding her to die. Why? That is so mean. You should really not do that. I mean it. Stop or I won’t be your son. I’ll turn you in to Interpol too.

Well on this front – Paris is pretty. Pretty ugly that is. The people are rude and I don’t know if they brush their teeth. But there’s really ornate ashtrays here. Bric a brac of all kinds. Trinkets. Little kitties.

I told Grandma that I am going to be learning French. We’ll see how that goes. Screw her. You too.

- Your bitter son, Claude

1:03 AM >> Chicago the Blog 4

And then it started snowing while we were going to the bars last night, and that was awesome and way better than all the rain today. After drinking we got burritos that used an A-ton of cilantro instead of lettuce, I mean it really was the same amount of cilantro as the amount of lettuce that Taco Bell puts in a taco.

Today all of the ground-snow was slush and all of the air-snow was rain and all of the cool was cold damp weather but I still love Chicago. Plus I had a sandwich called A Wreck but better called A Train Wreck and it really helped me get rid of Chicago Hangover #2 that occurred this morning.

12:56 AM >> Chicago the Blog 3

Yesterday was the day I was hung over. This is related to going out and drinking heavily until 3 AM. Except not "related" so much as "directly caused by." But it was OK because I went out walking around Chicago for a long time, and it was so cold and windy and sometimes bright and always crisp that eventually enough cool air blew into my brain and the hangover morphed into a feeling like being stoned. Plus I had a tuna salad popkin at Cosi so later I was wandering around feeling like Kermit in Muppets take Manhattan when I got hit by a taxi (which didn't happen). Going to a museum late in the day with the remnants of a hangover-stoneage isn't really the most fun, I learned.

11:34 PM >> L&C, LLC - Very unwell from a violent cold

It was a very important day. There was scheduled a meeting that could mean everything. A meeting that was a serious-as-all turning point for the corporation. Lewis got to work extra early so he could flip through his notes and track down some emails that pertained to the things that they would be discussing.

He checked his blinking voice mail after settling in. He was not happy with what he heard.

Hey, Lewis, I know that the timing is all f-ed up, but I'm gonna be a little late today. Actually, I probably won't be in till after lunch. Dude, I'm sorry.

Typical of Clark, he thought. Typical assed timing. Today was the big meeting with some execs from another corporation who were likely going to offer L&C, LLC some major funds for their expedition. And in total Clark fashion he wasn't going to be showing up.

Lewis knew that Clark hated being in front of others. He hated presentation. He hate being on the spot. He hated all of this stuff. Lewis had recently given him a book to read that he thought would maybe spark some confidence in Clark. The book was Zig Ziglar's 'See You at the Top'. Lewis had given it to him 2 months previous at lunch. The occasion marked Clark's 8th anniversary with the company.

Obviously, Clark had been unmoved by the book. It was clear in the voice message that Clark was not sick. He tried to be convincing, with subtly placed hacks and sneezes. But the truth showed through. Lewis knew.

Clark was terrified. Fucking terrified. Clark was probably walking around his kitchen trying to rip open, trying to loosen the knots that had been grinding in his stomach. He was scared as hell.

Lewis slammed the receiver down without finishing the bullshit message. He missed the part where Clark said that his sinus drainage was clearing but had given him such a ...

"GOD DAMN YOU, CLARK!" Lewis exploded as he slammed the receiver down. He should have known this would happen. He should have never partnered. He knew Clark would never carry his weight. He knew that. And now this lame-o had a company credit card and was the month's recipient of the 'Employee of the Month' parking spot. That ass.

He knew. He always knew that Clark would flake. And here he was the morning of the big meeting, with no partner. He had no one who could take over if things got real heated and serious. HE was on his own. Clark would be at home or in the parking lot hiding out till the meeting was over and then he'd stroll in like he'd missed nothing. That stupid fucking Clark. That stupid flake.

Well guess what? They were here. They were waiting now in the lobby. Big surprise that Clark was still absent. He'd said so himself - that he'd probably be in after lunch. Convenient. They'd be gone by then.

So it was up to Lewis. It was all him. No partner to lighten the load. Just him. Just Lewis. Fuck Clark. He's out. Next chance there will be an announcement or a company distributed email announcing Clark's dismissal.

Bye bye, Clark.

Diplomatically, Lewis would break it to Clark at lunch. They'd go to Mexican. They went to Mexican at least twice a week. After each of them had dipped a couple of chips, Lewis would break it to him.

Clark being hurt, disappointed, and unsure of what he was now going to do with his life would eat a good deal more complementary tortilla chips than usual. He'd have to request another basket before his Speedy Gonzales arrived. Speedy - the cheap assed bastard. Lewis always ordered the lunch fajitas, special #5.

He's out, Lewis thought. But that was not the reality. Lewis couldn't dump Clark. Lewis needed Clark. Stomach ulcer or not. Present or not for the big meeting. Lewis needed Clark.

In frustration, Lewis slammed the receiver down again. Twice. He slammed it hard. Then he said to himself, "Fuck you, G-Dammit, Clark. GD you!"

Lewis was furious. Fruious and helpless. It would be just him today representing L&C, LLC.

11:11 AM >> A Louse Up Clouse


Look a louse. Be sure and use your shampoo.

8:34 AM >> Rivera and Oates

Two peas in a pod.


Exhibit A


Exhibit B

6:37 PM >> Chicago the Blog 2

Just got back from the Shedd Aquarium. M is tired and cranky, but I love her.

1:22 PM >> Chicago the Blog 1

We got to chicago later yesterday than planned because we missed our flight because M threw her back out putting on a sweater in the morning and we had to go to the emergency room. (Yes we got muscle relaxers.) But it worked out OK and it is great here--25 degrees and sunny and so crisp. Everything here is revolving doors and heavy jackets with furry hoods and expensive sandwiches ($5 at the gorcery store), but I got to use a foreign self-check-out so that is worth the sandwich surcharge.

Today we see the aquarium to do HR recon for M and tonight we get deep dish pizza to do BM recon for me.

Last night we saw an improv show where they kept using the term "F" instead of f*ck, and I had never realized that was such a cultural phenomenon; I always thought it was just me and my friends. I guess I am not as snobbishly cool as I had always pictured myself.

There is a billboard across the street that has our dog Scrappy on it. When do we get royalties?

We are staying on the 19th floor, if you get my drift.

11:52 AM >> PB CRANKED


Recent addiction to peanut butter is getting out of control. Must enter program. Must get off the junk.

11:09 PM >> English version of a letter written by a guy in France to the States #3

Tina

I miss you too. But I hate San Diego. As soon as I find out where the hell they sell cellophane here I’ll send that cheese you keep bugging me about. I mean geez. Have some patience. Didn’t they teach you that in school? Or your mom should have said something about that when you were a kid.

To answer your question there are mailmen here. But they don’t wear shorts like the ones back home. And if it rains they stay in and do paperwork in the office. Typical Frenchies.

Oh, the Eiffel tower fell down yesterday. Did you hear about it in the news? It was all over the BBC. Just kidding. Seriously, that wasn’t funny. Or was it?

Bye. Send me some candy when you get a chance. Okay?

- Mr. Claude

9:39 PM >> Tiny hands, fallen curls, hiccups, and gum

Tiny hands and fallen curls
Cute little hands that hold my attention
Watching them grasp the steering wheel
Or expressing as you talk

And curls that fall on your neck in the morning
Running my fingers through them and they return
To sit there resting on your neck as you sleep

Hiccups and excessive gum chewing
They make me sick, so sick, so sick
Little explosions brought on always by the first sip of soda
Just one but enought to make me cringe

Enough with the smacking, Enough with the bubbles,
Enough with the wrappers - tiny silver crumbles like pepples
A path of metallic pepples that you leave behind

I'll take the tiny hands and fallen curls
To the hiccups and excessive gum chewing
Keep the jeans, lose the soup

2:04 PM >>

I wonder how many bloggers smoke.
I ould guess most of them, but then there are all those Christian blogs. That for some reason seem to send people here all the time. Maybe they all have a built-in heathen tracker.

12:30 PM >>

The thing about cats is that you always wind up looking straight into their asshole.
Dogs at least keep their butt below eye level.

10:10 PM >> Song translated into French #2

Johnny Cash singing Hurt

Je me blesse aujourd'hui pour voir si je sens toujours le foyer de I sur la douleur la seule chose qui est vraie l'aiguille déchire un trou le vieil essai familier de piqûre pour le tuer tout loin mais moi rappelez-vous que tout ce qui m'ont devenez?

Mon ami plus doux chacun que je sais entre loin à la fin vous pourriez l'avoir tout mon empire de la saleté je vous laisserai m'avaler vous ferai blessé je porte cette couronne des épines sur la chaise de mon menteur pleine des pensées cassées je ne puis pas réparer sous la tache du temps le sentiment disparaît vous sont quelqu'un d'autre je suis toujours bien ici ce qui m'ont deviennent?

Mon ami plus doux chacun que je sais entre loin à la fin vous pourriez l'avoir tout mon empire de la saleté je vous laisserai m'avaler vous ferai blessé si je pourrais commencer encore A million de milles loin je me garderais je trouverais une manière

To see song translated in French #1.

9:45 PM >> English version of a letter written by a guy in France to the States #2

Billy,

Good to hear about the job. Factories smell, but it will be good for you. DON’T COME TO FRANCE. REPEAT – DON’T COME! I am still settling in. I’ll let you know. Maybe in five years or something. Maybe ten.

Tell everyone that I said hello. I hope the soccer team is doing well. Those guys hated me anyway. They could probably care less that I am no longer on the team screwing things up.

- Claude

* (see English version of a letter written by a guy in France to the States #1)

11:01 AM >> Snow Day

Today I am working from home.
That means I get to drink too much coffee and turn 50 Cent up really loud and eat leftoever thin crust pizza all day long. Plus I make all sorts of convoluted to-do lists as a reward for getting anything done.

10:25 PM >> Advice to magazine readers

I advise, to those bored of their magazines or those pending renewal of dull magazines that they don't think they need to renew, that you switch things up. Read it from back to front. It's a refreshing change. We all need change. A little spice is good for the metabolism. It's for a couple of reasons. Many of the sections that are breezed over toward the end of the magazine as a result of MFMF (Mother Frumpin' Magazine Fatigue) have new enjoyment when read first on a fresh head. The other good thing about backwards perusal is that you get the chance to see multi-page articles from the last pages to the first. It changes things many times. Believe me. Renew this year and try out my advice. I did. But I really want to know why Entertainment Weekly just keeps coming to me for free and I am not paying for it. Haven't paid for it in years. But it's there. Every week.

10:15 PM >> // 100531

Inside not a speck, I run that kind of ship. And on the out chinks here and there where the waxing didn't hold. Now on a trajectory to where not known, but somewhere 100531 miles from home. And where all have I been in that many miles? Many on the same roads, but never really in the same mood. That comes in varieties anywhere from haunting to bright. And many on roads traveled once, well twice counting returns. To places that I'll never again land. Then maybe, yeah, maybe I will be back to those places. That's all to come though. Now I sit at 100531 in a parking lot trying to wheel back the speedometer of the mind through all the times. That's illegal in the automotive world - manually cranking back to the past, resetting. But among us, whoever we are, it's a good practice. To every once in a while check in with where you were 5 years and 100531 miles ago. To review where you've come in that time. To trace back the miles. To remember the roads. There's therapy, not theft, in that. It's not criminal to recall who we once were. It is however criminal to be 1491 miles over my last scheduled oil change and driving with a headlight out at night. I apologize GC.

[SOONLY, SOME PHOTOGS OF THE MOMENTOUS MILESTONE WILL BE AVAILABLE. IF ANY OF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PITCH IN TO BUY ME A DIGI-CAMERA, SO THAT I CAN BETTER KEEP YOU UP, VISUALLY, ON MY GOINGS ON, I'D GLADLY ACCEPT.]

7:18 AM >>


flick with me friends. lovers of coffee. flick. get half way through and let it go jumping around all inside. let it tickle. wiggle. infuse. then flick a flick to all that's good.

5:08 PM >> L&C, LLC - Most eligible situation

Two friends Clark and Lewis were constantly making plans. They voted on things. They weighed their choices. They brianstormed solutions. On occasions when there seemed to be no plans that needed making, they'd brainstorm things they could plan. The two had hundreds of ongoing to-do lists. They had folders for all of their various tasks. They had plans for their plans. They even had palm pilots that would communicate by a satellite link, so that their plan making was always up-to-date with one another.

It was really ridiculous.

They decided that a canoe trip would be fun. Instantly, folders were made, meetings were scheduled, lists were begun, and training was underway. This was going to be a long long trip. It was going to require lots of planning, which they liked very much. They would need all different types of shoes, water mocs, boots, sandals, slippers, flip-flops, and crampon attachments.

The trip was probably going to take them a couple of years so they made plans on how they were going to have enough food the whole time. It was decided that they'd brainstorm all the different ways they'd acquire food. It went something like this:

Take food (lightweight, but dense in nutrients/proteins)
Kill food
Fish
Tree bark
Roots
PB&J
Make our own bread
Buy cornmeal
Candy
Non-melting chocolate
...

The list went on. It got really big. They had always said that a brainstorm should not be edited. It was a way for them to just get stuff out there no matter how stupid or unrealistic it sounded. When the brain-listing was done, then they'd go back, whittle and weed, and come up with a sensical list of about 10-15 items, depending what project it was. Some projects yielded larger edited lists, while others were in the 10 to 15 range.

This food thing never stopped though. It went on for months. The list was over 150 million words long and growing longer everyday. They realized that it had become unmanageable. So, they hired a consulting firm. The firm charged them by the word count. On the day the contracts were signed the word count, as the firm had tallied, was at 501,345,000 words. Hyphenated words were counted as one. Thinking they'd be sneaky by hyphenating words that typically weren't, Clark and Lewis were amazed at the firm's count. They apologized for there trickery and let the count stand.

The firm began working. They worked and worked and worked. There were lots of emails and meetings and work sessions scheduled by the team that was assigned to the project. They were good. And this is what they did. They were up for the challenge. Internally, the team had their own lists and brainstorms and satellite links, just to make Clark and Lewis' list a manageable mound rather than the behemoth that it was.

The firm failed to complete work on the list by the time stated in the contract. Clark and Lewis thought that they might try suing them and quickly got started brainstorming the different legal complaints that they might file.

10:08 AM >> I'm a Motherfuckin' Time Killer

There is this game called Text Twist.
There is this concept of me getting work done.
And never the 'twain shall they meet.

8:35 PM >> Slyly shirking...

along letting nothing hold my attentions too long then sneaking out and slithering away. So you think you'd like to join. Well, hell come along. There's plenty of beach hear for everyone. That's if you can take the sand in you pants. I hate that about beaches and oceans. Always getting sand up in your stuff. There's nothing more uncomfortable and unfortunately nothing short of a pressure washer at full on blast that'll successfully take it all away. But no worry. Scurry along with me and deal with the sand when you get home. If the tide's high no matter. I'm wrong. There is still the matter. The ocean is just plain silty like that. And if you wind up getting pounded by a wave to the bottom you are doomed. Your short scrunch up, wedge in, and the sand finds a spot to hide. Always. But come on. Come on. LEt's GOOO!

11:49 PM >> AE

this is corporal's alter ego speaking. i don't have a name or use capitals, and i am not yet as crazy/cool as kool keith/dr. octagan.
someone found our blog by googling via yahoo "bahama breeze key lime pie recipe". that is super-sweet, especially since corporal has been trying to find the taco mac buffalo wings recipe. please email it to him.
someone else found it by googling "ghost raping baby". even as a capital-shy alter ego i cannot find the words to describe what a fucked up individual that must be.
using all lower case letters makes me feel like i am crawling along the ground like some decrepit bug-monster from the mind of stephen king.
[the picture here is not me but is fun to look at]

8:23 PM >>


Cheez Whiz, a space helmet, and Your FACE!

8:22 PM >>


BAM! >> with love, The Heartbreaker

1:13 PM >>

I wonder what was covered more by blogs: the State of the Union address or Whether the Groundhog Saw His Shadow.

11:26 AM >> Here is what to do

If you have not read Stephen King's Dark Tower saga, start doing so now.
Yes even girls will like it. No it is not scary.

Meanwhile, buy both of RjD2's albums.

Finally, buy five pounds of Sour Patch Kids.

Then you will be as cool as me.

11:48 AM >> And on top of that

They changed the McRib sauce. Yes, finally, after all my yearning, trials, tribulations, and snipe hunts, I managed to snag a McRib.

It was not what I remember.

#1 They served it on an f-ing round, sesame-seed bun (think Big Mac). What the F is that?!?!? The McRib has its own special bun; that is half of the joy!
#2 The sauce is dark now, not red as in the picture to the right. And it is more bitter (rather than sweet) than I remember. I guess they had to make the sauce Xtreme. You know, for Gen Y.

Great, now I have to find a "Changed McRib Sauce?" message board.

10:56 AM >> Hey Morons!

LISTEN UP STUPID PEOPLE.
When you appraoach an intersection that normally has a functioning traffic light, but none of the lights are on because the power is out, YOU TREAT THE INTERSECTION LIKE A FOUR-WAY STOP. Yes, pretend there is a stop sign at each corner (do not close your eyes to do so). Wait your turn and then go. LET PEOPLE TURN LEFT, IDIOTS. Unless you are late to receive a new kidney, losing 4 more seconds on your drive as someone turns left in front of you is not going to cause trouble.

HEY IDIOT ON YOUR CELL PHONE WHO IS BACKING YOUR SUV INTO A SPOT MARKED COMPACT CAR.
What is your f-ing problem? HANG UP and then park and then CALL BACK.

[screw everybody, i need some coffee]