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 >> Captain, Corporal, Ensign >>

4.30.2005
9:02 AM >> 5 New Dinner Guests (time-travel list)

Thomas Jefferson
Benjamin Franklin
Jack Kerouac
Meriwether Lewis
Brian Wilson
My friend Brad

[P.S. Brad == Corporal]

We'd all meet at Jefferson's restored Monticello estate (all of the cordoning ropes in place for the tourists would be removed for the event.). We'd order some pizzas from P-Hut and some bone-out Flame Thrower™ chicken strips. For cordials we'll be having a keg of Sam Adams, named after the revolutionary participant and cousin of John Adams. (For more on the Adams' Brothers.) After dinner we'll have some Yukon Jack, talk shop, and ride around the grounds of Monticello on 4-wheelers.


 
4.29.2005
10:07 PM >> Enlightenment

I want to start a new Enlightenment. But I am at a stump-point. Where do I begin? Who do I surround myself with? What is our purpose? What literature do I read? How does the Internet play into all of this? Are there dietary steps to make myself more akin to folks like Franklin and Jefferson and Adams and that old crew? Do I have to drink more/less? Should I be keeping a journal? Writing letters? Trying to effect/affect things about me like the government? Should I be trying to sway my friends? Should I be trying to trick my foes? Should I draft something that could be of major importance down the road? What do I do? Should I invent something? I just don't know. I don't know.


 
4.25.2005
12:20 PM >> 5 New Dinner Guests

Kanye West
Steve Martin
Pamela Anderson
Brian Wilson
My friend Eddy again since Brian Wilson is like his favorite entertainer ever

[P.S. Eddy == Ensign]


 
4.24.2005
9:19 PM >> Open-faced Mashed Peas Sandwich

Peas mashed with sauteed onions, seasoned with curry and basil and served a top a slice of Sara Lee Classic White and lettuce and topped with picante sauce. Sound confusing? It's not, it's really good. A mix of English tradition with a touch of Mexico.

Rating: 8.35

[I should note my dessert for the evening too: Grilled Plantain Sundae - Grilled plantain and shredded coconut served with a strawberry sundae ice cream cup. Rating: 7.68.]

Of interest >>
Check out the banana v. plantain debate as well as the great mashed potato v. mushy peas debate.


 
9:09 AM >>


A plate of Fluffernutter sandies from the Marshmallow Fluff Yummy Book recipe book.


 
4.22.2005
5:18 AM >> Introducing a new breakfast sandwich



A beer baked apple griddle cake with a sweet and fluffy layer of Marshmallow Fluff in a fairly convenient breakfast sandwich form.

cf. McDonald's McGriddles® Breakfast Sandwiches

Coming soon The Eddifus McGriddle #2 - now in a toasted almond griddle cake casing!

[NOTE: Garnished here with 3 Hot Tamales.]


 
4.19.2005
8:55 PM >> Confectionery Confession

Today's daily confectionery confession is herein recorded. And you too can be making your very own repentantive affirmation for caloric slip ups and/or fatty failures. We're all guilty. We should all come forth. I've laid out a few easy steps for you if you've been saintly and are all out of devilish ideas for fattening yourself up.

To start, for lunch 1) butter up a slice of bread and set it butter side down in a warm skillet, 2) smear a very good sized portion of crunchy peanut butter on the upwards facing side, 3) scoop out some Marshmallow Fluff over the peanut butter (2-3 scoops should do) and spread around as best as you can (this stuff's sticky), 4) cover with another slice of buttered bread this time the butter facing to the sky, 5) grill it up well on both sides and let the contained ingredients get gooey.

To follow, after dinner 6) make a short trip to your nearest QuikTrip and purchase a lotto ticket (oh, now that's another confession for another time), 7) purchase a 24 ounce beer for $0.99 (again, a different sweet tooth, I will note that I did in the interest of some caloric conscious purchase a light beer), and 8) purchase a package of Raspberry Creme Filled Zinger Cakes.

Don't forget 9) to eat what you prepared in steps 1-5 and the Zinger from step 8 (if you're proper just eat 1/3 of the package, the recommended single serving size) and for the true connoisseur remember 10) that sweets like these go down best with the candy-coated genius of Hank Mancini.


 
4.15.2005
11:26 PM >> Wow

It's been a long time, han't it?


 
4.13.2005
6:14 AM >> OPERATION: DAFO

YES, ANOTHER COMMISSIONED PROJECT FROM MY MOM.


[DAFO THEME//:]


 
4.12.2005
9:13 PM >> Honey Brown Baked Apple Fluff

A simple recipe for anyone with a crock pot. For Christmas last year I got a 3-quart crock pot. Every time I use it I count myself among the blessed. Crock Pots rule! Hoorah for CP!

Tonight's dessert >>




Apples baked in the crock with a bit of J.W. Dundee's Honey Brown lager, instant cider mix, some butter, Hot Tamales, carmel candies, cinnamon, and Marshmallow Fluff.

NOTE: I will very very soon be trying a Fluffernutter sandwich.




 
12:08 AM >> Accounting Angel$

Once again my dear, sweet mother has requested my graphic design talents for some project that is supposedly work related. Though to me the whole thing seems a bit off task. She should be underwriting home insurance claims and not commissioning my help for this bizarre project that her team is working on. It is some kind of video...Well, I won't even try to explain. Just check this stuff out >>

[TITLE//:]


[THEME//:]


[BADGE//:]


 
4.09.2005
10:45 PM >> Zinger Class VII


USS Vanilla Creme // Zinger Class VII Attack Submarine
[Specifications: 32 knots submerged, nuclear creme powered, 8 total torpedo holes,
soft bakery cake hull, streamlined frosting layer, tasty hydroplane, comes in
packages of three or four depending on distributor]

The United States acquired two German Type XXI U-boats at the end of World War II. It is no secret that the German Type XXI design started a revolution across the globe in submarine technology and design. What was a secret until now, however, is the US Zinger Class.

Wife of one of the high ranking admirals in the US Navy began a top secret program of spying on all the stuff her husband was doing. She loved to bake. But she also had an interest in her husband's work. When her husband would hold highly classified brainstorming sessions at the house Mrs. Z was always PINGing in on what was going down around the dinner table.

After separating from her husband and relocating to a super secret naval installment somewhere in Idaho, she began the development of what would later be known to the world as the Zinger class attack submarine. In her kitchens the Zinger class went through rigorous testing and experimentation.

Ms. Z, formerly Mrs. Z, was the chairwoman of the Zinger Energy Commission (ZEC) at the height of the Cold War. Everyone wanted to know what she was cooking up. The Soviets even sent spies who hung around outside her window to try an figure out just what was going on in there. Well luckily the Soviet olfactory reconnaissance was detected and driven away by Ms. Z's pitbulls.

She kept on cooking and eventually perfected everything she ever wanted to perfect, as far as her Zinger class design goes. Her Zinger class subs began a shift in submarining and quite possibly pretty much brought about the real end to the Cuban Missile Crisis.

In a very, very classified email to Ms. Z from President John F. Kennedy, he says, "Thanks for all of your hard work, Ms. XXX [Her secret classified name]. Without your superb skills and innovations, I fear we'd be behind the game. I think that the Soviets might have beat us out. But nope. Thanks to you and your sweet tasting Z-class, we've made some serious advancements in deep sea blue water technology. You're the best. -- JohnK1917"

Ms. Z sent JFK a package of her very own secret recipe creme filled cakes for the nice letter.


 
4.08.2005
5:12 PM >> Freezoni

I decided to really mix it up at Quick Trip's Freezoni station. I cooked myself up a Rooster Creme, which is about 2/3 Orange Creme Freezoni and 1/3 Rooster Booster Freezoni. Excellent! I chose the 16oz version. No more than that is needed or you'll definitely get a brain freeze. I did not desire this. Remember to get the short straw. The short straw.


 
9:05 AM >> A-Team loves Mother

Who knew Mr T. was so sensitive?
(Send it to your Mom on May 8.)
(Be sure to use the insults at your next cocktail party.)


 
8:54 AM >> BKEOS

Guys, I just had the ENORMOUS OMELETTE SANDWICH from Burger King. Yes, it was wonderful. But it is kind of a rip-off as they say it has "2 sausage patties" but really it is just one sausage patty cut in half! I mean should I call Clark Howard on this or what?


 
12:05 AM >> Pet diary

I got this email forwarded to me today with the subject heading pet diary. It contained these lame made up excerpts form the diaries of a cat and a dog.

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY
8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The garden! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!






EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY
Day 183 of My Captivity...My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in soli! tary throughout the event. However , I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.........


So I made one of my own >>

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY WHO LIVES IN AN ALLEY BEHIND LYN'S CHOP SUEY HOUSE TUES: Great day! Lots of rest. Plenty of sunshine and found some leftover egg roll scraps in the dumpster tonight. WED: Fair. Lots of moping around, but I did manage to get that itch on the back of my neck. THUR: Good day until kloncked in the head real hard. Went unconscious. FRI: Moo Goo Gai Pan $4.95 special.



 
4.07.2005
12:23 AM >> Wishbone out of Ziploc



Finishing things gives a sense of completeness as does bubble wrap. How so? Here's how. When a project is completed it is bubble wrapped and shipped off. Now that was simple, eh?

Howeverabout those projects that aren't so simple. The ones that keep going. Even when the materials are bubble wrapped and shipped there's a sense that something's undone. Sometimes we're never done with things. They just keep going and going and...well, you see. They just manage to stick around. And what do we do with them? We just keep going and going and going, round in circles.

Life keeps going. And we have a choice. Do I/we/us let things keep going and snowballing or is there a way to say, "Yo, hey, chill out stop for a sec stop going. Chew on this for a bit."

That's the point when it's best to pop some bubble wrap. When things get so way too intense. Pop some wrap. Put some coompletion into things. Tell yourself, "I'm done." And finish things up.


 
4.06.2005
10:30 PM >> ASGC

I think a great name for a band or an improv troupe would be Average Suburban Garbage Can.
Enjoy some garbage can google images [or googlimages as I call them].


 
9:31 PM >> Zinger Cake Invasion


[Satellite Photograph of top secret spy land and sea invasion of Soviet
Russia
and its territorial waters during the height of the Cold War under
the command of Admiral Dolly Madison and the Zinger Cake Secret Special
Spy Brigade (ZCSSSB).]


 
8:50 PM >>


My Uncle John a self taught and self ordained DOP (Doctor of Pigs).


 
4.05.2005
9:31 PM >> P-Tick No Blues

Today was Spring. Spring like you've never seen. I stated off by doing yardwork. I raked leaves, I planted, I replanted, I drove around a John Deere riding mower. Then for lunch I went to the best new Mexican restaurant. It is half fast-foody, half not. But it is all good as far as Mexican goes. And they have a gazillion different hot sauces to try, many of which are habanero based. I love habanero peppers. The restaurant is called Tijuana Flats. And then on a whim I decided it would be a good afternoon to go to Athens. That's Athens, Georgia. Home of the Bulldogs. The University of Georgia, my alma mater. There is nothing, absolutely nothing like driving down Milledge Avenue during the Spring. (For guys that is.) The "bird-watching" was excellent. Let me tell you. I got an iced americano, read a little, and then scored a $15 parking ticket. $15 bucks! And I didn't even care. The weather was so nice and everything was in place in my little universe that it didn't bother me. So I went and parked legitimately, read a little more, watched passerbys from my downtown perch, paid my legitimate $3 parking fee, and drove home. On the way back I stopped at Quick Trip for a package of Zingers and an apple. Once home I deposited a check and picked up some cooking supplies and beer #1 and beer #2. Then it was time for dinner. I made a Mole Chicken Noodle Soup Quesadilla. I didn't stop cooking there. Next it was time for making my breakfast for the next couple of days. I whipped up some Almond Crunch Granola. Now my apartment smells yummy and I've sampled both beer #1 and #2 and I can't wait for breakfast and lunch tomorrow. Breakfast is homemade cereal and lunch will be leftover MCNSQuesadilla. For dinner tomorrow I am thinking of making some MCNSEnchilladas. What a Kick-A Spring day and I don't ever care that I got a damned $15 parking ticket.

NB: The package of Zingers contained 3 Zinger cakes. Each Zingers is approximately 3 inches long. One Zinger equals a serving size which contains around about 150 calories, 5 grams of fat, and 25-ish carbs.


 
5:21 AM >>


In this composition you can see Elizabeth's beans and carrots sprouting, the back of Uncle John head peeking, and the newly married cousin Monica back near the fireplace.


 
 
[riddle wrapped in
enigma stuffed inside
burrito swallowed by
whale sprayed to
sea captured by UFO]

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