11:07 PM >> What is wrong with kids these days???

Seriously--how f-ing scary is this?

But then, this is pretty hilarious.

1:49 AM >> The Incredible Journey

I am the CORPORAL. I am courageous. Tonight I braved ATL Ice Storm 2005 to make a trek to retrieve two (2) McRibs from the local McDonald's.

This story should be prefaced by the explanation that I was scheduled to attend a wedding tonight with my wife (M), but when we tried to leave this our house to go to it at five o'clock this afternoon, we were stuck behind an SUV that could not make it up the hill out of the neighborhood due to iced-over streets. Needless to say, we figured our Honda Civic would be toast on these ice-sheets, so we returned home.

Around 8:00 PM I was going stir-crazy from having been cooped up in the house all day (aside from the random occasions I got to take the puppy outside to poop, by which I mean take the puppy out and watch him flip out over the ice and snow and eat leaves encased in ice straight off the bush). So I left to walk to McDonald's and also Blockbuster.

Yes the sidewalks were completely iced over.
Yes I took a ligher in case of coldness emergency.
No I did not wear cramp-ons.
Yes it would have been safer to drive.
Yes I busted my ass (one time).
No I did not get any McRibs.
Yes McDonald's closed early due to inclement weather.
Yes I still walked up to the door even though all the lights were off.
No Blockbuster was not open either.

In fact, the only place that was open--not Cici's, not Publix, not Checker's--was a Chinese restaurant. I guess because they don't celebrate American Holidays. And what is a more American Holiday than Snow Day?

10:14 PM >> Irony Defined

It just occurred to me tonight how funny it is that Bush is always telling us that "the terrorists hate freedom," yet he is constantly spearheading efforts (Patriot Act, National ID Card, etc.) that do nothing but take freedom away from the American people.

6:06 PM >> Flipping out

FUCK YEAH

First the McRib returns... And now Mountain Dew Livewire... What's next, my own personal hovercraft?

11:50 AM >> Bowling Buddy

We all need a bowling buddy. A friend. A guy we can call to share shots with over the phone, whether it is 2 in the morning or just before noon. We need an ear that'll sit queitly and listen, really listen, as we speak our mind. It's nice to have someone there to high-five when you hit a strike or a double-fiver when you nail the turkey.

11:28 AM >> ICEY SITUATION

I made it home last night nearly without incident. 35 mph the entire way home on ice and in freezing rain. I slid once on the hwy. It took me nearly 1.5 hours. Driving up to my apartment's gate I made the decision that I'd just turn in go home and go to sleep. I was thinking either that or drive straight ahead to a Quick Trip visit for some beer and a snack. But I decided to just turn in and go on home and retire. I was being smart and healthy and whatever. WRONG DECISION. After an entire careful trip home unscathed, I lost minor control as I made the turn going about 10 mph. My car slid on the ice. Break where of no use. Turning the wheel did little. I narrowly escaped hitting two street signs. By a sliver I missed them. Then I plumped into the curb.

I think my car is ok. Though I worry that I may have jolted the alignment. I don't know. It's was hard to tell. I backed up and slid my way into a parking space pretty close to my apartment.

All this and within 150 miles of reaching 100,000 on my trusty vessel the Gray Climax 4.2. When the roads clear, I'll take a drive. The crucible. I'll see how she drives and whether or not I did any permy damage to the alignment. Who knows, we may have a soon to be christened GC5.0 at berth in the parking lot right now.

10:38 AM >> ...[TA-TA] :://79814

Holy Crap. I can't believe it.

11:19 AM >> Evolution

Pink is the new Black
Green is the new Pink
CDs are the new Socks

As in, they always freakin' disappear to the Netherworld
(especially one disc from a two-disc set)

2:38 PM >> Thanks but no thanks

Have you ever thought about the phrase "thank you very much?" It is so odd when you dissect it--there is no subject in that sentence! Yet we speak this so-called sentence to people all the time, and no one bats an eyelash. Can you imagine if I had written this blog with no subjects?

>novowels<
Have ever thought about the phrase "thank you very much?" Is so odd when dissect it--is no subject in that sentence! Yet speak this so-called sentence to people all the time, and no bats an eyelash. Can imagine if had written this blog with no subjects?
>/novowels<

C'mon. What a bunch of gibbery bullcrap. TYVM is almost an order when you really look at it for a long time (17 minutes). How do you deny a thank you? Sometimes I just don't want someone's thanks; no need for me to feel you are indebted to me just because I picked up and extra McRib from McDonald's. Go on your merry way.

Yes, that's it: Go on your merry way. Suddenly, I have my ultra-new, ultra-hip, so-tomorrow response to some lame-o, no-subject-sportin' "thank you very much."

11:42 AM >>

How completely hilarious is it that Campbell's is advertising that their soup is wireless?

11:25 PM >> Single entendre

You have to check this out. It's a clip from some old British kids' show from the 1960's, but the entire thing is nothing but... Hmmm... Let's call them euphemisms.

It really makes you wonder what all else went over your head all those Saturday mornings as a kid.

7:40 PM >>

Is it pretentious of me to write movie titles in emails using italics?

1:58 AM >> So wrong it's gotta be right

The McRib is back, and I am SO FUCKING EXCITED. Man, those things are good. Melt-in-your-mouth goodly goodness. I so wish they would offer an all-you-can-eat deal on the McRib--I would pay up to $15 for that. As it is, if they cost two dollars each, I would eat fifteen in one sitting.

In Thailand the McRib is called a Samurai Pork Burger.

Here is an article about the McRib Conspiracy.

1:06 PM >> It's come to this

You have got to be kidding me.

11:03 AM >> Good Stuff

This is really cool >> Muppets Overtime
It may take a few minutes to load, but it's really, really cool and creepy and entertaining all at once.

This also is neat, but you will want to have at least 20 free minutes on your hands >> What If...

Two awesome examples of creating.
(both found at Clunkyrobot)

11:40 PM >>

There is no better feeling in the world than creating something. That sense of satisfaction when you look back at what you hath wrought and can behold what came from nowhere--from the deepest reaches of your brain--and now EXISTS. The page was blank, now it is filled. It was a Coke can, now it's a sculpture. There is one more stupid web page for your friends to lok at. People get to see a one-man play (in six acts) depicting the life of Strom Thurmond. None of this existed in the universe before. But now, through your hands, it is there. How satisfying is that?

1:59 AM >>

I was so HUNG OVER all day today. It was the most amazing journey just for me to make it to the couch and nap as I watched football.

Fortunately, it seemed Scrappy was hung over all day, too. (no drinking for the puppy) You have no idea what a godsend it was not having to chase him around all day to keep him out of everything he's not supposed to get into.

3:33 AM >>

Tonight, after everyone had either gone home or passed the F out after the Falcons game, there were 5 of 9 open beer that were 80% NOT drank.

It's like high school all over again.

11:54 PM >> Meriwether Lewis on Turning Thirty

All I have to say is what an individual. What many great individuals there were among our founding fathers. They were brilliant, talented people with one hell of a damned agenda to make this world a better place. Do these people, these drives still exist.

Meriwether writes on August 18, 1805:
"This day I completed my thirty first year...I reflected that I had as yet done but little, very little indeed, to further the hapiness of the human race, or to advance the information of the succeeding generation. I viewed with regret the many hours I have spent in indolence, and now soarly feel the want of that informaiton which those hours would have given me had they been judicoiusly expended.

"...I dash from me the gloomy thought and resolved in future, to redouble my exertions and at least indeavour to promote those two primary objects of human existence, by giving them the aid of that portion of talents which nature and fortune have bestoed on me...in future, to live for mankind, as I have heretofore lived for myself."

11:52 PM >> WTF

Seriously, what the fuckity fuck?!?



How come every fucking time I fucking wash my fucking jeans, they come out totally fucked up with fucking fucked-up creases and stupid-ass fucking lines down the legs?



Fucking notice the stupid-ass fucking lines near the fucking top >>



If fucking you look close, you can fucking see at least four fucking stupid-ass fucking lines across this leg alone >>



I mean, WHAT THE FUCK?????? Does anyone have any fucking special instructions I can try to fucking avoid this fucking bullshit? I've already tried like a million different fucking ideas (well, one: folding the jeans before putting them in the dryer), and I'm at the fucking end of my goddamned rope, man.

1:23 AM >> Two guys in their cars...

INT. TED'S CAR, LIBRARY PARKING LOT

TED SLAMS SHUT THE DOOR OF HIS CHEVY CAVALIER AND STARTS THE IGNITION. TED'S CAR WAS MANUFACTURED BEFORE SEATBELTS WERE MANDATORY. HE DRIVES AWAY, OUT OF THE PARKING LOT.

AT A STOP LIGHT TED TAKES A MICRO VOICE RECORDER UNIT FROM THE ASHTRAY CONSOLE. HE HITS RECORD AND DICTATES.

TED
I intercepted an agent tonight. Though he denied his connection with the agency, I am quite sure with 98% certainty of my interception. I shall continue surveilence.

THE LIGHT GOES GREEN. PAUSING AS IF THERE WERE SOMETHING ELSE TO DICTATE, BUT NOT FINDING IT TED CLICKS OFF THE RECORDER AND PROCEEDS THROUGH THE LIGHT.

INT. THE MAN'S CAR, DOING 75 MPH

FROM THE GLOVE BOX THE MAN PULLS OUT A MICRO VOICE RECORDER.

MAN
Some mother fucker is on to me. I don't know how. I don't know. But I've been discovered. This may mean...Mother Fucker!!

THE MAN SWERVES JUST MISSING AN 18-WHEELER THAT HAS SWERVED INTO HIS LANE.

MAN
Mother Fuck!

5:23 PM >> Down to the lobby...

INT. THE LIBRARY LOBBY

SET UP IN THE LOBBY IS THE SPREAD. STALE COFFEE. A PLATE OF COOKIES. AND SOME LIBRARY NEWSLETTER FLIERS. THE PLACE IS ELDERLY RETIREDS, MOMS WITH THEIR ANNOYINGLY BRILLIANT TOTS, AND TED. THEY'RE ALL THERE FOR THE FREEBIE SNACKS, BUT SOMEHOW TED IS THE ONLY ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE A LUSH. A VULTURE.

TED'S NOT MINGLING. HE PRETENDS TO BE INTERESTED IN THE LIBRARY'S UPCOMING MONTH OF EVENTS WHILE DEVOURING HIS SECOND OR THIRD COOKIE.

HE SPOTS THE NOTE MAN LEAVING THE LIBRARY AND DOWN THE HALL TO THE PUBLIC RESTROOM.

TED DROPS A HALF EATEN CHOCOLATE CHIP CARCASS BACK ON THE TRAY AND FOLLOWS.

INT. BATHROOM

TED SPOTS THE NOTE MAN AT A URINAL. TED GOES TO THE SINK TO WASH HIS HANDS AND WAIT.

THE MAN FINISHES AND JOINS AT THE NEIGHBORING SINK.

TED
There you are. Note man. You weren't going to leave without a snack were you?

MAN
Just who the hell are you? Following me around in the public library. What do you want?

TED (now embarrassed a little, but as ever persistent)
Hey, hey, I wasn't following you. But I just thought. Look, are you a spy? An agent? You are aren't you? All those notes from the legal books and stuff, you're a...

THE MAN PRODUCES A SOME SHARP OBJECT FROM HIS POCKET AND PUTS IT TO TED'S NECK.

MAN
Freak. Listen to me. Stay away from me with your spy nonsense. Ok? Just leave it go. Forget about it.

IN A SECOND THE MAN IS GONE AND A ELDERLY GENTLEMAN ENTERS THROUGH THE SWINGING BATHROOM DOOR.

TED IS DRIPPING WITH FEAR. HE GRABS THE GENTLEMAN BY THE SHOULDERS.

TED
I knew it! I knew it!

HE DANCES AROUND EXCITEDLY WITH THE RETIREE.

3:37 PM >> A view from the library study carrol...

INT. A LIBRARY, TWO NEIGHBORING STUDY CARROLS

TED
psst, psst. Hey. Hey there.

TED POKES HIS HEAD INTO THE NEIGHBORING STUDY CARROL. THE GENTLEMAN SEATED THERE HAS HEADPHONES ON AND DOESN'T HEAR.

TED GETS HIS ATTENTION. HE MOTIONS TO REMOVE THE HEADPHONES.

THE MAN DOES.

MAN
Yeah, what is it?

TED
Hey, I just wanted to inform you that they just announced there'd be coffee and cookies in the lobby in 5 minutes. I thought you might be interested.

MAN
Very. Thanks for the notice.

TED
Yeah, not a thing, buddy. Hey what are you...

CUTTING TED OFF, THE MAN FITS THE HEADPHONES BACK INTO HIS EARS AND PICKS BACK UP ON HIS NOTES.

TED NUDGES HIM THIS TIME AND MOTIONS AGAIN TO REMOVE THE EAR BUGS.

MAN
What? What is it?

TED
Well, it's just that I wanted to know what you are working on. I'm kinda taking a break and needed a little company.

MAN
Look, I'm working. Can this wait till the lobby?

TED
What are you going to get done in five minutes, man?

MAN
I'm finishing something up. Can you just...

TED
Yeah what is it? You've sure got a lot of note paper there. A lot of notes.

TED IS NOW STANDING OUTSIDE THE MAN'S STUDY CARROL REACHING OVER HIS SHOULDER TO POINT OUT ALL THE NOTES.

MAN (quite disturbed, he swats at teds hand and covers his things)
PLEASE! Away. I'll see you in the lobby.

TED
Oh, sure, sure. Sorry. Top secret and all. Sorry. Well, see you in four minutes. The lobby.

TED GRABS HIS BOOKBAG, PATS THE MAN ON THE BACK, LEAVES HIS STUDY CARROL FOR THE LOBBY.

9:04 PM >>

This is the drink I just invented >> The Champagne Blast-Off

1. Fill large glass halfway with ice
2. Add 1 part leftover (vaccuum-sealed) New Year's Eve champagne
3. Add 1 part Rooster Booster energy drink

8:54 PM >> Thermos Test #2

Thermos Test #1 >> SUCCESS
Thermos Test #2 >> SUCCESSFUL RESULTS, SURPRISED

A little background may be necessary here. Over the last few weeks since Christmas I have on two occasions put my new stainless steel thermos to the test. As you can see above, I am quite happy with the gift. I asked for the gift specifically, which always cheapens the thrill of the giving season. However, the idea was kind of a whim. I thought how nice it would be to blend in with all those trendy folks who carry their own thermy to work. Sure Starbucks is cool, but it's loosing it's appeal I think. People are just not buying or not wanting to support this corporate monster. It's happening all over the place. No one like Wal-Mart any more, except me. They've got really cheap prices which I love. I think the new move is to people brewing at home and then transporting their favorite coffee to work in their own thermos. I have seen it. In the public transit systems. In the bumper to bumper traffics all over the nation. They're going mad about it. These thermoses are portable, futuristic looking, and ones like mine hold a half liter (or no, a liter orrr maybe it is a half liter) of coffee. Dang. So, it's perfect. Enough on that.

Now on to the tests...
#1 > My brother was attempting to install a car radio in his girlfriend's car. I told him this was a mistake from the very beginning. My Dad advised as well. He was unmoved. It was a Saturday. We live on the third floor of our apartment complex. I had just made a big pot of coffee. So I hatched the first test. I was going to test the amount of coffee that this thing was going to hold and to see if it even worked at all. So I poured the coffee in and took two mugs down to the parking lot. I poured one cup for my brother and two for myself. It poured fine. It transported the coffee from A to B. And it poured about three 8oz cups of coffee. > SUCCESS

#2 > I made another pot of coffee and hatched test #2. This test was going to be a little more time consuming and scientific. It involved me starting my watch at 8:30am. That's when I poured the coffee into the thermy. Then I got in my car and poured a bit into a travel mug. I took a few sips to make sure the transport from the apartment down to the parking lot was still working. It was. And the coffee tasted just fine. Now it was off to do some errands. I got some gas. I went to the library and at about 11:30, 2 hours later, I left my seat at the library and went outside for a coffee break. I poured my second cup. It was still hot, which I expected, but it was nice to see that my thermos was really doing its job. Then I finished up things at the library and went home and messed around on the computer and then had lunch. It was now between three and four hours since pouring the first cup and things were still hot in there. Hot and fresh tasting. Long experiment short, I tested the last of the mug 6 hours later to yet another great tasting and not cold cup of coffee. Amazing! > SUCCESSFUL RESULTS, SURPRISED

9:09 AM >> Some mornings

Some mornings I wake up thinking, "Man it's early." When turning to look at my watch I often find that it is true. My watch and my head are often in perfect synch. I like that. While I rely on my watch, it's comforting to know that if something should happen, for instance, if I were to accidentally run over my watch one day, I could proceed without the crushed cogs.

Of course I don't trust myself completely. That evening I'd go out and buy a new one. Good watches are cheap these days. Now you can go out and spend $300 on some watch with a fancy name, bejeweled in silver, but just a good digital watch with an alarm, a velcro band, and a useless water resistant feature at up to 1000 meters is cheap. I'd say less that $20. That's the kind of watch for me. I prefer that to a Tag or a Rolex.

1:49 AM >>

TO BE A WRITER YOU MUST WRITE
TO BE A WRITER YOU MUST WRITE
TO BE A WRITER YOU MUST WRITE
TO BE A WRITER YOU MUST WRITE
TO BE A WRITER YOU MUST WRITE

11:20 PM >> QT

I was at QT tonight, and this 14-year-old boy said, “I love this place.”
My faith in the youth of today is restored.

11:40 PM >> Yes, it is a poem

there once was a carp and a man with a lark
and a very, very big piece of clay

they made up a riddle and rode out a fiddle
and said that they'd return someday

over the river and through the woods

they rumbled and crumbled and stumbled where they stood

they're yearning and burning and learning and turning
and they sat to eat a fat piece of cake

nobody knew whatever they'd do
until they looked up and it all came true

the carp came forth and stitched up the lark
so it seemed all the truth was in vain

the man pulled the boots and threw out the crooks
and molded the very, very big clay

he created such mountains and vistas galore
the every-many entries but not sight of a door

travelling up there and down there and sideways all true
a face in a beanbag, a yellowing hue
a worming conundrum
the sky, sky turning blue

1:19 AM >> Jesus vs. Lennon

It's hard too tell if Lennon was bigger than JC, there were no Billboard ratings back then.

10:54 PM >> Perspiration is not a part of the equation

Boredom is quite often confused for inspiration.

1:40 AM >> Are you kidding me?

"Fact or Fiction" about the PGA? C'mon, ESPN, I know hockey ain't around, but you can do better than that! MUCH better!

11:18 AM >>

If you built a time machine, then went back in time and destroyed the time machine before you had a chance to use it, would you disappear?

5:09 PM >> bam

It hit me with the clarity of a train wreck into a cow's brain.
You cannot count on anyone in life other than yourself.
And I swear for the next five minutes, the truth of this realization heightened my senses--colors were brighter, sounds sharper, everything I touched had more sensation. But this was all swept away by the next wreck to hit.
I am weak.

2:50 AM >> Top 10 Albums of 2005

Keep in mind that 1) While numbered, this list is not in be-all end-all order (#8 may be just as enjoyable as #2), and 2) I shall never limit myself to only albums that were released during the year of record; I reserve the right to list albums that I first heard about and bought during the year.

Without further ado, Corporal's Top 10 Albums of 2004 >>

1) DJ Danger Mouse - The Grey Album
2) DJ Shadow - Live! In Tune & On Time
3) The Streets - A Grand Don't Come for Free
4) White People - Handsome Boy Modelling School
5) Air - Talkie Walkie
6) RjD2 - Since We Last Spoke
7) Brian Wilson - SMiLE
8) Dizzee Rascal - Boy in da Corner
9) Prefuse 73 - One Word Extinguisher
10) The Opus - Breathing Lessons

2:29 AM >> 2005

The New Year is here, and I have to say it has not started with a bang for me. I spent most of today sleeping--even dozed through most of the Dawgs game. But now I am up at 2:30 AM once again, so looks like I will be able to keep my f-ed up sleep schedule in the New Year.

So it is time for my first ever Top 10 lists. I will start with music, then I will make one for movies (once I have seen at least 10 worthy movies from 2004). Maybe I will see what I can do with books and TV shows, as well.