9:36 PM >> Sliver, Bruce, and Balz



No full moon in the sky to explain. It was a sliver tonight. The sky loomed. I stepped out into the parking lot and was mowed down by a runaway grocery cart. It slammed into my hip knocking me flat to the ground, the hard uneven pavement of suburbia. A pebble ripped through the skin just between my thumb and wrist. Blood followed. I watched it drip to the pavement and heard the screech of a Dodge SUV Death Machine square off to me in the parking lot. It was these two (pictured) looking me dead in the eye. Their own eyes the color of the blood dripping from my hand. The both let out screams and then the tires of the Death Guzzler howled as they plowed towards me at 60 miles an hour. 60 MPH in a Target parking lot is insanity. 60 MPH targeted on a helpless, bleeding me is twisted.

I had one chance. One chance to save myself. To live. And that was to make quick peace. I scribbled a bloody SOS on a concrete retaining wall that closed me in from any escape. I scribed in blood the words: "Complimentary Ice Cream." I prayed that they couldn't resist. Satan himself would call halt to his hell hounds to enjoy a creamy free treat.

There with an unscalable wall behind me, a Dodge Locomotive of Doom rushing in, and images of the 5th year of my short life flashing in my mind it happened. The sky flashed blue. That's all I remember. When I came around these two - C. Bruce and The Balz where stopped in front of me, just short of ramming my body into the concrete wall. As if a heavenly hand dropped down from the clouds and held off my assailants.

They exited the beast and approached me. In a brusk, hurried breath Bruce asked, "Where's the complimentary ice cream?" The Balz blurted out that this had "better not be a put-on, bro." I stood and assured them that no, this was no joke. I pointed across the lot to Jason's Deli. They followed my bloody, dripping pointing hand to the deli situated between a nail shop and a cell phone dealer. Toghether they huffed, "Let's go."

I paid for sandwiches for the three of us (which came with chips and a pickle) and I showed them the soft serve machine where a sign read:

COMPLIMENTARY LOW-FAT SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM

We silently ate our sandwiches and then went behind the salad bar to claim our free 4oz. styrofoam ramekins of ice cream. Balz and myself had vanilla/chocolate swirl and Bruce just chocolate. After dinner they went over to Borders to browse around a little and I told them that I really had to get home.

Moral:
Tonight it may seem that god's hand came down to save my sweet young life through the opening from the sliver of the moon in the sky. But the truth is that you must always remember that Jason's Deli serves free 4oz. portions of soft serve ice cream to their patrons. It may one day save your life. Tonight it saved mine.