9:13 AM >> Babies Don't Use Sharp Knives

Check out this hilarious detail I came across today in researching an apple pie recipe. It is just ridiculous.

Put the circle in a 9" pie plate, trimming any extra dough from the edges with a sharp knife (parents only). Return it to the refrigerator until you are ready to make the pie.

What are parents now like the safest people on earth? Do adults not slip up every once in a while? Shit nobody is perfect. We all fail every once in a while. We all slip up. We all drive to the gas station in the middle of the night after one to many shots to satisfy some urge. Whether it be a taquito that we didn't need to eat or a pack of smokes after we told ourselves we were quitting and in fact made it one whole day, feeling pretty good about ourselves, our lungs already starting to recover. We all slip up. We all do.

Well, I am starting again today. In fact the carton I wasted my money on last night is in the fridge wrapped in a brown bag and taped-the-shit-up with a big black magic marker label that reads - DO NOT SMOKE THESE. YOU QUIT. DO NOT CUT INTO THE BAG. RESIST. YOU DON'T WANT ONE. SMOKING IS DISGUSTING. YOU WANT TO LIVE A LONG AND HEALTHY LIFE. RESIST. PUT THOSE SCISSORS DOWN. DO NOT CUT INTO THIS BAG. PUT THE LIGHTER BACK IN THE UTILITY DRAWER, GO SIT DOWN, DO A PUSH UP OR SOMETHING. DO NOT SMOKE THESE.

Well, today is a new day. I begin again. Oh, yeah, the warning. Well, parents can cut themselves too. Kids, if you are making an apple pie, don't go getting your parents for the sharp knife step. Do it yourself. That's right you can do this trick at home. Whatever to that stupid warning. A kid's got to learn to use a knife someday, or the kid'll never be grown up. The kid'll be afraid of sharp things for the rest of his life. And what kind of life is that? We need sharp things. We need to be able and fearless of wielding sharp things. Raise your sharp knives, everyone! Trim the extra dough with me while our parents sleep! Except you babies, you go wake your folks and get their help. That's the last thing we need is an army of angry babies flapping sharp knives in the air like rattles.